Monday, November 9, 2009

TWOC: Christmas Shopping

Twelve Weeks of Christmas

Oh, the Christmas Shopping.

FRIDAY! (Know what that is?)

Black Friday. OH, yes.

Grab me a babysitter for the kids. Preferably overnight. (Hint, hint, Mom)

Wake up at 5am. Yes, 5AM.

Grab a shopping buddy. Get Starbucks. Venti. Triple Shot. Don't even try to pretend you could get away with a tall, skinny, sugar-free vanilla latte. You can't. Go big or go home.

Drive to the nearest store that has stuff with your name on it. (What? They don't write your name on your stuff you want? I'm sorry, I thought they did that for everyone.)

Be thankful, once again, as you are unloading yourself from the car that you did NOT, repeat: NOT! go shopping with the hubster or the kiddos. Hubs is a horrible shopping partner and I want to ENJOY spending fifteen minutes deciding on something WITHOUT an irritated-ants-in-his-pants-kicking-me-out-the-door-man standing next to me. Just sayin'.

Or, or....and you mom's know that this has happened....a kid who decides he needs to use the restroom at the BACK of the store while you just entered the check out line at the FRONT of the store and when you get back there to that horrible rear-of-store bathroom, the sign says:


Obviously, the creators of this sign have never gone shopping with four kids. Not even one kid. Ever. They would seriously know better.

So, after putting all your merchandise on a shelf and shoving a rug in front of it to block it from potential thieves who would see the great items you found, take them off the shelf and hide them from you in their basket and then make a fast getaway before your kid even has a chance to unzip his pants, you realize that the baby has poo. The real stinkin' kind. And he's crying. And you can't find his pacifier. You moms know what I mean. You throw your hands up in the air, yell at the heavens and ask rhetorically, "Can anything else go wrong?"

Yes, silly Mommy who took all four kids shopping. Yes, something else can go wrong. You spill your Starbucks trying to put your purse on top the stroller. It then trickles down onto the infant with the poo sending him into an even bigger fit (where is that paci???), all while your daughter decides she going to try to climb out of the stroller in protest and ends up bonking her head on the cement floor at Joann's. (Oh, did I mention I was at Joann's?)

At this point, you are done and without thinking, end up telling your kid to risk embarrassment and a lifetime of therapy and scream out in frustration, "JUST PEE YOUR PANTS!"

What? You've never did that?, either. *blush*

Go shopping with someone else who really likes shopping, too. Trust me.

Moving on...

Get all your Christmas shopping done. Yup, all of it. It's a wonderful day...

Get another Starbucks on your way home, smooch the cheeks of the person who shopped with you all day, like you're Zsa Zsa Gabor and then step into your home laden with toys and crumbs. Threaten the kids within an inch of their life if they even step a foot near the bags and banish them all to Daddy...wherever he may be.
Sigh, turn off the lights and watch the crumbs disappear into shadow, light a candle, sip your coffee and cozy up on the floor with all your loot and wrapping paper. And then get to work wrapping them so that your Christmas tree no longer looks naked.

What? Your tree isn't up yet???


  1. We don't have Black Friday in Canada (sulks)! Hope you find great bargains!

  2. hahaha this had me cracking up! definitely will remember this when I have kids ;)

  3. I love it! Have been shopping like this! Ick, ick, ick. Sounds like you know your plan, though!

  4. LOL!!! awesome. i know the perfect shopping buddy for you...... : )

  5. Truer words have never been spoken. ESPECIALLY the paragraph about shopping with a husband.

  6. can't believe you do all that in a day - definitely need a huge coffee for that one :D

  7. ps - i now follow you (and not just because we have the same name - and you spell it RIGHT LOL) loving your blog :D

  8. Love your writing style and I agree. Do not shop with hubby! :) Have a great Black Friday!

  9. LOL! What memories you bring back to those of us who are done with those days (sadly or gladly). Hubbies and shopping - a disaster!
    Shop online this year and enjoy a cup of coffee and a plate of cookies while you click away!
    Christmas Blessings,
    Jayne at mysongwithin

  10. Oh, this post cracked me up! Yes, I have had those kid kind of shopping experiences! Thankfully, now they are all teens and up.

    I can't believe you get it all done in one day! I'm impressed!

  11. Lol, I love black friday too! We look forward to it all year. Then spend most of thanksgiving mapping out where we're going to go.

  12. i'm so not looking forward to shopping trips...but I do like to start early!

    thanks for stopping by Pajama Mama-No, my camera ornaments didn't take long at all, and they were CHEAP! Felt is 4/$1 and I use about 1 roll of embroidery floss (.35) per ornament. Cutting the pieces is the hardest part, then sit in front of the tv and go mindless...real fun!

    let me know if you make any-i'd love to see more inspiration!

  13. carrie, in canada if you write to santa at:

    The North Pole
    H0H 0H0

    they write back! how cool is that? you can even go to the post office website and print off special paper (seen in the girls letters in my post) to write to him on :D

    does the USA post office not have this option?

  14. Your are hilarious! you should/need to be a writer! :) That literally cracked me up!

  15. You KILL me! You are so stinkin' funny.

  16. That is too funny! I've been there...with my daughter-in-law....and four kids (including 3 year old twins!) Linda

  17. You crack me up and it's so true. I could add to this a seagull pooping on me and my then 1 1/2 year old in the parking lot at Target. My little one thought a bird was going to poop on him everytime he saw one for a whole year after that. I made all the kids get back in the car (I had poop in my hair).


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